I kinda just want everything to be bigger..
I want bigger hair, bigger boobs, bigger butt, bigger eyebrows, bigger lips, oh and a bigger paycheck. Maybe one day with a bigger paycheck I can make some of me bigger!!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I pretty much spent my entire youth and early adulthood in a relationship...I was like the queen of going steady.
Now that Im 31 years old and divorced, Ive essentially been single for the last 5 years and I have no clue what Im doing.
I was in a dysfunctional emotionally abusive off and on again friends with benefits sort of relationship for almost 3 years, and followed that one with a long distance no real commitment dating sort of thing.
Ive been on a handful of terrible dates and really am so clueless what dating is, or how to date or how to have a boyfriend or anything like that...
How often are you supposed to hang out, how often are you supposed to talk or text..should you always wait around and make sure the guy texts you first, even if you are texting on a daily basis? Technology has made things more complicated..the last time i was getting into a real relationship was with my husband, and we werent really texting the..I was 23.
Why do I have it set in my mind that we should be spending every moment that were both available together, and why do i think if hes not asking me to hang out RIGHT away that he doesnt like me enough..? GOD I suck at this
Now that Im 31 years old and divorced, Ive essentially been single for the last 5 years and I have no clue what Im doing.
I was in a dysfunctional emotionally abusive off and on again friends with benefits sort of relationship for almost 3 years, and followed that one with a long distance no real commitment dating sort of thing.
Ive been on a handful of terrible dates and really am so clueless what dating is, or how to date or how to have a boyfriend or anything like that...
How often are you supposed to hang out, how often are you supposed to talk or text..should you always wait around and make sure the guy texts you first, even if you are texting on a daily basis? Technology has made things more complicated..the last time i was getting into a real relationship was with my husband, and we werent really texting the..I was 23.
Why do I have it set in my mind that we should be spending every moment that were both available together, and why do i think if hes not asking me to hang out RIGHT away that he doesnt like me enough..? GOD I suck at this
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
If I wasnt broken..
If I didnt have deep seated abandoment issues, I would have walked away from you a long time ago.
After I broke things off with you, I would have remained your BFF, not your BFFWB (with benefits) its easy to downplay the benefits part when someones 3000 miles away isnt it?
You would think it would be impossible to remain anything BUT friends, but I assure you, I am capable of anything. Especially if it is self destructive.
Technology brings on a whole new meaning to BFFWB's when you are 3000 miles away.
Theres email, theres texting..aka sexting, skype, IM..you name it. You can carry on a very illicit affair thru technology, and ....lie to yourself about the intensity or emotions attatched to this relationship.
ok...so heres what I SHOULD do..
Yes -I have feelings for you, and no, I dont think I am in love with you. BUT my feelings are too strong to carry on in this intimate way with you. Even though the majority of it is within the confinds of technology, it is still not healthy for me. I also cannot see you "as a boyfriend" when you are around me. I cannot spend the nite with you holding you all nite long, and separate my feelings of friendship and lover, and I should not have to.
I should also stop using 'sex' as a way to guarantee you will stay in my life. I should be confident enough in myself and our frienship that if I never sent you a dirty picture again, or mentioned a blow job-that you will still be around when I need you, as much as you ever were before.
I should say, I want you as my BFF but I cannot continue this friendship in a sexual way. ....and I should do it without fear of reprecussion..because knowing me, I would say that and send a dirty pic 20 mins later...
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 17, and at 31 -I am still dealing with this emotional bullshit.
The insecure little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved, but continues to chase men like her father, that will never EVER be available to her the way she needs them to be. They will pop in her life occasionally, just to give her that little fix, when its convienent for them...
After I broke things off with you, I would have remained your BFF, not your BFFWB (with benefits) its easy to downplay the benefits part when someones 3000 miles away isnt it?
You would think it would be impossible to remain anything BUT friends, but I assure you, I am capable of anything. Especially if it is self destructive.
Technology brings on a whole new meaning to BFFWB's when you are 3000 miles away.
Theres email, theres texting..aka sexting, skype, IM..you name it. You can carry on a very illicit affair thru technology, and ....lie to yourself about the intensity or emotions attatched to this relationship.
ok...so heres what I SHOULD do..
Yes -I have feelings for you, and no, I dont think I am in love with you. BUT my feelings are too strong to carry on in this intimate way with you. Even though the majority of it is within the confinds of technology, it is still not healthy for me. I also cannot see you "as a boyfriend" when you are around me. I cannot spend the nite with you holding you all nite long, and separate my feelings of friendship and lover, and I should not have to.
I should also stop using 'sex' as a way to guarantee you will stay in my life. I should be confident enough in myself and our frienship that if I never sent you a dirty picture again, or mentioned a blow job-that you will still be around when I need you, as much as you ever were before.
I should say, I want you as my BFF but I cannot continue this friendship in a sexual way. ....and I should do it without fear of reprecussion..because knowing me, I would say that and send a dirty pic 20 mins later...
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 17, and at 31 -I am still dealing with this emotional bullshit.
The insecure little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved, but continues to chase men like her father, that will never EVER be available to her the way she needs them to be. They will pop in her life occasionally, just to give her that little fix, when its convienent for them...
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
in an effort to keep blogging, I will blog answers to the questions here, lol.
Flight Suit = Air Force ...who knew the military could be so hawt?? Do you have any idea what it feels like to see an airmen wait for you at the end of a set of stairs?? *Sigh*
He is stationed in Florida and from Portland Oregon.. We met while I accompanied a gf on christmas day waaay out into the boonies to her brothers christmas gathering..
After several white russians later, this man walked into the room ...I was smitten. We ended up on the back patio drinking and smoking and within an hour or so, kissing in the rain.
We stayed up all nite long getting drunk together kissing and sharing our music on our phones, laying on an air matress in our make shift room.
At some point there was talk of me visiting Florida, you know drunk banter.
Honestly I never thought Id speak to him...He drove me home in the morning, longest ride home ever, and I wasnt very nice to him. He seemed rather conservative and quiet, not the man I met the nite before. We stopped and got Mcdonalds and that was it..er at least I thought. He ended up texting me THAT same day at 7pm. We talked on the phone and continued to text and talk over the next few days. He was due to go home very soon and my schedule just didnt work with his. He ended up making it work and we had our first real date..
We continued to talk everyday via phone or text...and I was out in Florida by the end of January.. We continued to date all the way up until August, I was out in Florida about every month and a half on average..
Flight Suit = Air Force ...who knew the military could be so hawt?? Do you have any idea what it feels like to see an airmen wait for you at the end of a set of stairs?? *Sigh*
He is stationed in Florida and from Portland Oregon.. We met while I accompanied a gf on christmas day waaay out into the boonies to her brothers christmas gathering..
After several white russians later, this man walked into the room ...I was smitten. We ended up on the back patio drinking and smoking and within an hour or so, kissing in the rain.
We stayed up all nite long getting drunk together kissing and sharing our music on our phones, laying on an air matress in our make shift room.
At some point there was talk of me visiting Florida, you know drunk banter.
Honestly I never thought Id speak to him...He drove me home in the morning, longest ride home ever, and I wasnt very nice to him. He seemed rather conservative and quiet, not the man I met the nite before. We stopped and got Mcdonalds and that was it..er at least I thought. He ended up texting me THAT same day at 7pm. We talked on the phone and continued to text and talk over the next few days. He was due to go home very soon and my schedule just didnt work with his. He ended up making it work and we had our first real date..
We continued to talk everyday via phone or text...and I was out in Florida by the end of January.. We continued to date all the way up until August, I was out in Florida about every month and a half on average..
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Your so far away from me..
One year ago today, I met a stranger on christmas day. The moment you walked into the room my life has never been the same. I honestly never thought we would speak again after our nite together...
We giggled drunk while listening to music on our phones, and spoke of how I would come see you in Florida, we'd split the cost of the plane ticket -
.......one month later, my flight from portland, oregon touched down in ft.walton beach, florida....
I thought that I was going to vomit when the plane landed.. and then I saw you..only our 3rd meeting ever..standing at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me in your flight suit, one of the moments, that are permanently etched into your brain for the rest of your life!!!
My time spent with you on my trips to Florida are without a doubt some of the most special of my life.
...Today's been hard, even though I got to see you while you are here on break, I cant stop thinking about our Christmas spent together last year, and how I want nothing other than to be spending time with you right now...
We giggled drunk while listening to music on our phones, and spoke of how I would come see you in Florida, we'd split the cost of the plane ticket -
.......one month later, my flight from portland, oregon touched down in ft.walton beach, florida....
I thought that I was going to vomit when the plane landed.. and then I saw you..only our 3rd meeting ever..standing at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me in your flight suit, one of the moments, that are permanently etched into your brain for the rest of your life!!!
My time spent with you on my trips to Florida are without a doubt some of the most special of my life.
...Today's been hard, even though I got to see you while you are here on break, I cant stop thinking about our Christmas spent together last year, and how I want nothing other than to be spending time with you right now...
Finally giving this a try..
No ones around on xanga anymore, I hate to bail out on it because I actually have years and years of blogs there, but Im giving this one a shot! I have an intense need to spew shit out, I think about writing often!
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