when did this become an acne blog...

Clearly acne isnt something you can see on me in photos and with make up..

You can see more deep acne in this photo..

Anyways Im taking a new oral for the month leading up to the switch to accutane, its one Ive never tried, and for topical benz peroxide, 5%

The cyst on my face is more than gone, there is now a deep impression on my cheek where it used to be :( Hoping this is temporary, its never happened before..

FINALLY

I finally decided to quit the bullshit and start accutane! I have suffered with severe and cystic acne since I was 8 years old, YES 8! My school pic shows this, my first zit on the middle of my nose.  That same zit that would return in my twenties as a dime sized cyst that required coritisone injections.

I have suffered for so so long! Accutane is some serious biz..I never wanted to try it because of the possible side effects, even though I know it is THE ONLY drug that will work for me..I have done EVERYTHING.. it is also, nearly 100% of the time a "cure" for acne.
I went in for a cortisone injection today, wow, this thing was massive.

Im going to start blogging this journey with photos. I start accutane one month from today, I was required to take a pregnancy test today, and will at my next visit before starting. Damn if I was a boy I could start it today!

I took some photos of my skin today, looking pretty terrible AND pics of the MASSIVE cyst on my face, right before it imploded after a shot of cortisone, the difference is incredbile.

Jan 26- no make up, post period, not treating with anything

The massive cyct before injection

after injection about two hours

acne and scarring

I wonder how many times one person can hear  'I dont have those kind of feelings for you' from someone they were dating before they feel like a heaping pile of shit.

Texas Style

I kinda just want everything to be bigger..

 I want bigger hair, bigger boobs, bigger butt, bigger eyebrows, bigger lips, oh and a bigger paycheck. Maybe one day with a bigger paycheck I can make some of me bigger!!

I pretty much spent my entire youth and early adulthood in a relationship...I was like the queen of going steady.

Now that Im 31 years old and divorced, Ive essentially been single for the last 5 years and I have no clue what Im doing.

I was in a dysfunctional emotionally abusive off and on again friends with benefits sort of relationship for almost 3 years, and followed that one with a long distance no real commitment dating sort of thing.

Ive been on a handful of terrible dates and really am so clueless what dating is, or how to date or how to have a boyfriend or anything like that...

How often are you supposed to hang out, how often are you supposed to talk or text..should you always wait around and make sure the guy texts you first, even if you are texting on a daily basis? Technology has made things more complicated..the last time i was getting into a real relationship was with my husband, and we werent really texting the..I was 23.

Why do I have it set in my mind that we should be spending every moment that were both available together, and why do i think if hes not asking me to hang out RIGHT away that he doesnt like me enough..? GOD I suck at this

If I wasnt broken..

If I didnt have deep seated abandoment issues, I would have walked away from you a long time ago.

After I broke things off with you, I would have remained your BFF, not your BFFWB (with benefits) its easy to downplay the benefits part when someones 3000 miles away isnt it?

You would think it would be impossible to remain anything BUT friends, but I assure you, I am capable of anything. Especially if it is self destructive.

Technology brings on a whole new meaning to BFFWB's when you are 3000 miles away.

Theres email, theres texting..aka sexting, skype, IM..you name it. You can carry on a very illicit affair thru technology, and ....lie to yourself about the intensity or emotions attatched to this relationship.

ok...so heres what I SHOULD do..

Yes -I have feelings for you, and no, I dont think I am in love with you. BUT my feelings are too strong to carry on in this intimate way with you. Even though the majority of it is within the confinds of technology, it is still not healthy for me.  I also cannot see you "as a boyfriend" when you are around me. I cannot spend the nite with you holding you all nite long, and separate my feelings of friendship and lover, and I should not have to.

I should also stop using 'sex' as a way to guarantee you will stay in my life. I should be confident enough in myself and our frienship that if I never sent you a dirty picture again, or mentioned a blow job-that you will still be around when I need you, as much as you ever were before.   

I should say, I want you as my BFF but I cannot continue this friendship in a sexual way. ....and I should do it without fear of reprecussion..because knowing me, I would say that and send a dirty pic 20 mins later...  

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 17, and at 31 -I am still dealing with this emotional bullshit. 

The insecure little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved, but continues to chase men like her father, that will never EVER be available to her the way she needs them to be. They will pop in her life occasionally, just to give her that little fix, when its convienent for them...

in an effort to keep blogging, I will blog answers to the questions here, lol.

Flight Suit = Air Force ...who knew the military could be so hawt?? Do you have any idea what it feels like to see an airmen wait for you at the end of a set of stairs?? *Sigh*

He is stationed in Florida and from Portland Oregon.. We met while I accompanied a gf on christmas day waaay out into the boonies to her brothers christmas gathering..
After several white russians later, this man walked into the room ...I was smitten. We ended up on the back patio drinking and smoking and within an hour or so, kissing in the rain.
We stayed up all nite long getting drunk together kissing and sharing our music on our phones, laying on an air matress in our make shift room.
At some point there was talk of me visiting Florida, you know drunk banter.

Honestly I never thought Id speak to him...He drove me home in the morning, longest ride home ever, and I wasnt very nice to him. He seemed rather conservative and quiet, not the man I met the nite before.  We stopped and got Mcdonalds and that was it..er at least I thought. He ended up texting me THAT same day at 7pm. We talked on the phone and continued to text and talk over the next few days. He was due to go home very soon and my schedule just didnt work with his.   He ended up making it work and we had our first real date.. 

We continued to talk everyday via phone or text...and I was out in Florida by the end of January.. We continued to date all the way up until August, I was out in Florida about every month and a half on average..