If I wasnt broken..

If I didnt have deep seated abandoment issues, I would have walked away from you a long time ago.

After I broke things off with you, I would have remained your BFF, not your BFFWB (with benefits) its easy to downplay the benefits part when someones 3000 miles away isnt it?

You would think it would be impossible to remain anything BUT friends, but I assure you, I am capable of anything. Especially if it is self destructive.

Technology brings on a whole new meaning to BFFWB's when you are 3000 miles away.

Theres email, theres texting..aka sexting, skype, IM..you name it. You can carry on a very illicit affair thru technology, and ....lie to yourself about the intensity or emotions attatched to this relationship.

ok...so heres what I SHOULD do..

Yes -I have feelings for you, and no, I dont think I am in love with you. BUT my feelings are too strong to carry on in this intimate way with you. Even though the majority of it is within the confinds of technology, it is still not healthy for me.  I also cannot see you "as a boyfriend" when you are around me. I cannot spend the nite with you holding you all nite long, and separate my feelings of friendship and lover, and I should not have to.

I should also stop using 'sex' as a way to guarantee you will stay in my life. I should be confident enough in myself and our frienship that if I never sent you a dirty picture again, or mentioned a blow job-that you will still be around when I need you, as much as you ever were before.   

I should say, I want you as my BFF but I cannot continue this friendship in a sexual way. ....and I should do it without fear of reprecussion..because knowing me, I would say that and send a dirty pic 20 mins later...  

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 17, and at 31 -I am still dealing with this emotional bullshit. 

The insecure little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved, but continues to chase men like her father, that will never EVER be available to her the way she needs them to be. They will pop in her life occasionally, just to give her that little fix, when its convienent for them...